Popularity
Popularity is so nebulous. We all want it. We all crave it. Acceptance by others. Acceptance by many others. To be well regarded. To be respected. To be liked. To be thought of as cool. To have friends. To have people want to be your friend. To have people want to be with you. To have people want to be you.
- I’ve always felt socially awkward, gangly & uncoordinated. That’s why I try to hide behind humor. When I was younger, I used to operate under the premise of “Maybe you’ll let me stick around if you find me entertaining. You might even discover I’m not such a bad guy. You might even like me.”
- I’m not comfortable in crowds. Again with the awkward, gangly. What to say? What to do? I feel much more comfortable in small groups or 1 on 1. You’re likely to interact with more of the real me versus the clown/entertainer/outrageous me in a more intimate setting.
I don’t know where these feelings started. Probably when I started going to school.
I didn’t have many friends in grade school. I was awkward. I didn’t know what to say. What to do. I was different. I wasn’t like the other kids. I was “Them”.
The situation was no different in HS. With all the cliques and groups.
- I was smart enough but I wasn’t into what the smart kids liked. Strike 1.
- Not an athlete. Strike 2.
- Not attractive enough to hang with the pretty crowd. Strike 3.
- Not rich enough to buy my way in. Strike 4.
- I didn’t wear the “in” clothes. Strike too many to matter.
I actually had friends in College. I’ve kept in touch with most of them. They are all good, solid, and understanding people. Maybe college was the right place for me to start growing. It was the place where everyone was in the same situation: All out of our comfort zones. Away from home for the first time. Away from what we’ve known for all our lives. Away from our cliques. Everyone’s a rookie. A newbie. Fresh meat. I began to contemplate who I was and what I was about. "You know. This is probably a good chance for me to invent/discover myself."
I came into my own in my twenties to mid thirties. I did a lot of soul searching for the: Why’s, How’s, What if’s of popularity? “What” did I need to do/say/wear/be to be more popular?
I slowly came to the conclusion: “Since I haven’t figured out the secret what/why/how of being popular or liked…Fuck it. Let it go. Don’t worry about what others think. People will either like you or they won’t. Be yourself. Do what’s right for you and won’t hurt others. It really doesn’t matter if you’re popular or not. You still need to do what’s right. You need to be able to look at yourself in the morning.”
This little epiphany made life a lot easier for me. I didn’t have to waste all the time and effort trying to do/own/wear/say/be the right thing to make everybody like me. It freed me from looking for that elusive “it” and allowed me to just be.
“Being myself” has been an ever evolving process. It’s difficult, slow, and painful going from trying to please and being accepted by everyone to being myself. All my life I’ve worked at trying to please and be accepted. (And making myself miserable and crazy in the process.) Then all of a sudden to realize a new strategy was required. It’s hard to break out of the old ways of thinking & acting. Like I said, it’s an ever evolving process.
I’ve come to accept (or reject) people for who and what they are. No games. No need for you to change. You are who you are. Conversely, don’t expect me to change. I am who I am. I am what I am. Not that I haven’t changed or grown. But don’t expect me to change to please you. I will change to please me.
I know I wouldn’t be who I am today without going through all of this. The process of discovery sucked but it needed to happen. I’m happier being myself instead of trying to be something I’m not. I’m more comfortable with who I am now. I still feel uncomfortable in crowds or large groups but that’s just me. I don’t feel the need to be the center of attention all the time anymore. Or to have to find a hole to hide in.
I’m blessed to have a good solid core of friends and family that love and accept me the way I am. Flaws and all.
I'm not sure if I’m any more popular now than I was when I was younger. The difference is now it doesn't matter to me.
So yeah. All of life’s experiences: the hurts, slights, insults. Have made me who I am. Hopefully more aware and sensitive to others. But I am who I am.
posted by ChowderHead @ 10/28/2006 02:55:00 PM
3 Comments:
What a great post Chowder. I know where you're coming from. I could write something very similiar. Even though it's been a journey to get where you are today, I'm very glad you are who you are. You are a great person and especially a great friend!
That was a great post. I really wish that more people would realize this at a younger age. There might be less neurosis and more happiness if there was.
By the way, I so misspelled neurosis!
Michelle & PW: Thank you. I've been thinking of this post for a while. Yeah. Popularity. We all crave acceptance and belonging. How come it takes so long for us to understand it's important that people like & accept you for you?
It would be easier if people figured that out younger but I guess that's what experience/age/wisdom/ is all about.
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