Letting go of some peanuts
In the past few months I’ve been getting more & more pinched up.I’ve been frustrated about our financial situation. Frustrated over HC’s lack of gainful employment. Stressed with the extra responsibility at work. Stressed about the ever present rumors of outsourcing. Stressed about not spending enough time with the Daddy-o. Stressed about not being able to go out to dinner more. Stressed about not being able to buy new & groovy toys. Stressed about you freakin’ name it!
True. I had fun in DC and Dallas. Those trips helped a little. But as of late it’s felt like we weren’t having as much fun OR doing as many fun things as we used to. OR as often as I’d like. I hate feeling like I have to squeeze every penny AND analyze every spending decision. Living from paycheck to paycheck. I hate it!
I was feeling pressure: To be a good husband, to be a good son, to be a good worker. It didn’t feel like I had any time for me. When I’d get home from work I felt exhausted. Spent. Too damn tired to do much of anything except eat dinner and vege in front of the TV.
Too stressed to watch what I was eating or exercise. I just wanted to eat as I damn well pleased. (Like I used to be able to do.) Comfort food: Cheese steaks, fries, burgers, pizza, candy, mashed potatoes, gyros, sweets.
It didn’t help having TAG in the house. That added to the fun factor. I felt like I had less time AND space for me. And yes, Thanksgiving doesn't help me at all.
So it has been brewing in the Chowdery head and started to overflow this week.
I said and did some shitty, pissy, bitchy things this week that were hurtful to the HC. I used my words and we talked about it. I think it helped both of us. We agreed, I’ll be seeing my EAP person when I get back from NJ. I need some help or something.
The big thing is I was feeling like I was failing her and my dad. So much going on but I was barely keeping on top of it. You’d think with the salary I make we’d be OK. But it’s been paycheck to paycheck the past few months due to bills & misc. I haven’t spent as much time with my dad. I’m keeping up with work but not to my usual standards. Things aren’t slipping through the cracks but usually I have things under control ahead of time. I don’t usually have to be so reactionary.
Yeah. It is/was all self-inflicted. HC made me understand I’m not failing her. We are doing OK financially. Yes we are treading water but we are not sinking. And compared to our friends we’re actually in pretty good shape. Other than the mortgage, we have no debt. No car payments, no school loans, no credit card debt. I am doing OK at work. I’m their go to guy. And she thinks I’m doing OK with my dad too. If he needed/wanted something he’d let us know.
It really helped to hear those words from her. But I am going to see my EAP person to get some help. I know this will build up again and I’ll fall into another mood. It’s better I talk to someone to get perspective or coping ideas.
I know a lot of my crazy notions I got from my parents. I’m not blaming them. I’m just saying I think that’s where I picked up a lot of my ideas about duty, expectations, and what I should be doing. A lot of it has to do with never feeling good enough or doing enough or doing the right thing. I got a good dose of that kind of talk growing up. It wasn’t until my mid-thirties that a lot of that talk stopped. I don’t know what happened to change their tune but it changed.
But the second guessing and worrying still persist.
posted by ChowderHead @ 11/23/2006 10:28:00 PM
2 Comments:
Hang in there dear. It's so easy to feel the way you do when things get chaotic. It's a vicious cycle sometimes. Just know that you have a lot of people who love and care for you. I'm glad you're going to see someone. I know it will help. And as always, if you need anything, please let me know. I'll help in any way I can. :)
Michelle: Thank you.
I've been feeling overwhelmed as of late. So much going on. Pressure. Responsibility.
I know a lot of it is self-imposed but it's there. Hopefully getting some professional help will give me insight.
A lot of the pressure is from the parents. So this is the old & deeply ingrained stuff.
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