ChowderHead 101 Part 1 of as many as it takes
I'm a little slow. I have my own schedule. I march to the beat of a different drummer. I do things when my gut tells me "it's the right time".Case in point: Dating, marriage & children. I didn't start dating until I was a junior in college. (Too busy working at the family restaurant in JH & HS, first couple of years in college were H-E-L-L) At that point I realized I was lacking in many of the basic social skills, I kinda shrunk back into my shell. I wanted to figure out "who" I was and "how" I fit in before I continued any further. I stuck to what I knew and was good at: hanging out with my buddies, drinking, and being the clown. I also realized I really wasn't fit to be anyone's companion due to these shortcomings. It wouldn't be fair to either of us.
These feelings of inadequacy were further reinforced with my first serious girlfriend. I was SO in over my head. My concepts of a relationship were so idealistic (thanks Hollywood) and immature. I went through the wringer & I didn't like it. I loved her the way I knew how. The best I could but it wasn't enough. It would never be enough. She needed more than I could ever give her. More than anyone could ever give her.
After this experience, I took a L-O-N-G break from getting serious with anyone. (I'll just leave it at years. There was a lot of anger, frustration, and bewilderment.) There were women that were interested in me but I didn't feel ready. So I side stepped them. We'd go out a few times but... Again, I'm on my own schedule. Not ready means NOT ready. It'll end badly for 1 or both of us. So let's not.
All the while I was soul searching. Working on me. (traveling, learning, experiencing life) The "who" I was, "what" I was, "what" I wanted, and "how" I fit in. It took a long time for me to begin accepting me for who I was and not caring how I fit in. I'm me and that's all there is to it. I fit in how I fit in. I stick out like I stick out. It is what it is. I was in my early-30's by the time I had this revelation. I felt better about myself. More comfortable in my own skin. The amount of booze and effort it took me to reach this little gem!!
But, it was on my schedule & terms. The majority of my college friends had been married for years. Some of them had kids already. There were times I felt like a slacker. An underachiever. But I also knew I was not ready and would have been a lousy husband & father. I would have ended up either divorced or in an unhappy marriage. I didn't want either so I continued working on me.
When I felt ready I started dating again. It was hard and I sucked at it but what are you going to do? I was very fortunate to meet my wife and things have been good. We've gone through our share of highs and lows.
Anyways, this all goes back to my original statement about me going to the beat of my own drummer. I do things on my terms AND when I feel ready. If I'm being pressured or forced, I'm very likely to be stubborn, dig my heels in and resist. I didn't feel ready to date anyone so I didn't. I didn't feel like I'd be a good husband so I didn't get married sooner. I've been on the fence about kids for a very long time. I know children are a life changing experience. I know they'd mean sacrifices. I'd been going back and forth about whether I wanted kids OR was even ready for them. But I'm in a place in my life where I'm comfortable with the idea of being a father and taking on that responsibility. HC would make a great mother. I've talked to many of my friends and they say "You're never really ready. You just do it because it feels right." Well, now it feels right. I don't want to bring someone into this world if I can't take care of them and be 100% about it.
Labels: ChowderHead 101
posted by ChowderHead @ 2/23/2007 07:53:00 PM
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