I could kick myself
Sometimes the adage "if it ain't broke don't fix it" is true. Sometimes it is better to leave things just the way they are. It's not being lazy or a cop out. Case in point: The house. I thought I was being proactive by having the roof and furnace replaced. After all, they we both at the upper limits of their life cycles. And with the baby coming I didn't want to have these kind of troubles with a baby in the house. After I had both replaced in the summer/fall, I was happy that 2 items had been removed from my worry/task list. This comfort was short lived. My wife discovered a mold problem in the attic. We didn't have a mold problem in the attic before the new roof or furnace. We must have created a haven for mold when we had the new tighter roof put on AND a whole house humidifier installed with the furnace. UGH!!! I am so mad at myself!!! I feel so stupid for making a mess out of things. Neither the roof nor the furnace were broken. I just figured lets replace them before something went wrong. Well, I guess I went looking for trouble and it found me!!! So then the mad scramble to figure out what to do to fix this problem. Is it dangerous? How do you clean this up? How much will it cost? How soon do I need to do something? Can we do it ourselves? Do we need to replace the whole roof? Well, a few thousand dollars later (That I didn't plan on spending! This adds to my feelings of stupidity and anger.) the mold remediation people have started their work. Theoretically, after they are done the mold will be dead and not returning. They have also installed a device that keeps the air circulating in the attic to prevent future mold growth. They've cleaned & tested the attic twice now. They needed to clean twice because the post test after the first cleaning came back positive for mold growth. They re-tested last week. I suspect they'll be back since they left debris in the attic that was supposed to be removed. UGH!!!I'm starting to learn my lesson: Sometimes it's OK to leave things just the way they are. Not everything needs to be perfect. I don't need to obsess or worry about certain things. Me obsessing/worrying about them is not going to change them. Sometimes it's OK to leave well enough alone. "Put my hands up and step slowly away from the controls" Labels: ChowderHead 101, frustrations, house, My OCD's, Update
Chowderhead: Work in progress - Stress, control, and anger
I've been working with my therapist on stress, control, frustration, and anger management.
Stress and feelings of loss of control/no control lead to frustration which leads to anger. Stress & lack of control aren't the only causes of my anger but they are major contributors. She and I are working on strategies for me to use when I feel stressed or out of control. If we can head me off from getting frustrated, then we have a good chance of keeping me from getting angry. We're working on changing the way I perceive things. And coming up with healthy techniques I can use to control my stress and frustration. I need to let go of the things I have no control over. I need to let go of the peanuts more often. I want to change. I want to get back to the way I was. I don't like being angry and irritable all the time. Angry, irritable, catty, bitchy, and prickly are all parts of my personality but I never tended to be any of those things for any length of time. I don't know what triggered me to start being angry and irritable all the time.
No matter. These feelings and thoughts do me no good. They're bad for me. They're bad for my wife. They'll be bad for the baby. They build up inside until I reach critical mass and then I blow up. Like a volcano. Like a nuclear bomb. Laying waste to everything and everyone in my path. Then I'm left feeling embarrassed and ashamed by my behavior. And all the apologizing I have to do to people for acting like such a colossal a-hole. Like I said, these negative thoughts & feelings do me no good.
Some of the things I'm trying to let go of getting upset at: - Lazy co-workers. They don't care. No good would come of me getting upset or making comments about them and their work ethic. They are probably not very happy at their jobs and are trying to get out of it. I actually do enjoy my work most days so I need to focus on me and the satisfaction I get from accomplishing something and doing a good job.
- Lousy drivers. They are clueless and don't care. As long as they aren't hitting me or my car. I need to let it go. Me getting upset or making comments won't affect them or their actions.
- Clueless people: Who jay walk in front of traffic without looking, therefore forcing drivers to slow down for them. Who take up extra spaces on the bus with all their crap. Who stand right in front of elevator doors and try to get on the elevator before letting you get off. Who park their cars so close to your's it's difficult for you to get in your car. Who are too lazy to take their shopping cart to the shopping cart pen in the parking lot or back to the front of the store. They are who they are, nothing I say or do will make a difference in their behavior. BUT I can change how I react and feel about it. Me getting mad at these people won't change their behavior. But it will get me mad and make my blood pressure rise. So I need to let it go.
- My sister: For not coming up & visiting the dad more and helping more with taking care of our dad. For the piss poor job she does when she does take care of my dad. She is who she is. Nothing I say or do will change her behavior. Anything I do say will just make her resistant to coming up more/helping with the dad. So I'm better off changing how I feel about the situation.
Letting all these things get to me serves me no good. It raises my blood pressure, makes me want to eat poorly, gets me crankin' at people that don't deserve my bitchiness. So for 2008 I want to work on getting back to the old me.
I want to be well on my way with this before the baby arrives. I know I'll have very little control when the baby arrives. Other than providing food and a good environment for the baby, we'll have very little control of it's behavior. So I figure the sooner I start the better off everyone in my life will be.
Labels: ChowderHead 101, Update
Updates
- I took the Daddy-o to his PCP the other day. He's doing well. They've been steadily reducing the amount of prednisone he needs to take. His Diabetes is under control. He isn't sore. He doesn't feel weak. His blurry vision & double vision have gone away. He'll be off the prednisone in a few weeks and they hope he can come off the diabetes drugs once the prednisone is out of his system. This takes some stress out of my life & some weight off my shoulders since I've been checking in on him weekly and calling every other day just to make sure everything is OK. And to see if he needs anything. And to make sure he's not getting depressed since that's a side effect of steroid use.
- HC's slowly but surely feeling better. The first few months of pregnancy has been tough on her. She's felt nauseous the whole time. Now the nausea only happens every 2 to 3 days. So it's getting better for her.
- Work was slow during the holidays. So far it's still going kind of slow. So that's good. I'm also due to wrap up my current project and start some others. I'm looking forward to the change.
- I survived the holidays without any major drama/trauma.
- I've been working with my therapist on stress, control & anger management. For me, stress and feelings of loss of control lead to anger. Those aren't the only causes of my anger but they are the major ones. She and I are working on strategies for me to use when I feel stressed or out of control. We're also working on changing the way I see things. I need to let go of the things I have no control over. In other words, I need to let go of the peanuts more often. I want to change. I want to get back to the way I was. I don't like being angry and irritable these feelings and thoughts do me no good.
- We've been going to yoga on a regular basis and I've been exercising more. It's really helped with my stress and with all the food I ate over the holidays.
So this year is starting on a good note. Let's hope it continues this way!!!
Labels: ChowderHead 101, Health, Update
What kind of Monster are you?
You Are A Vampire
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You have a real thirst for bliss, and you consider yourself a true hedonist.
And you're not afraid to walk alone in life, if it means getting what you truly crave.
You truly enjoy entrancing people. Not to mention the ensuing pleasures of the flesh.
Your tastes have been called decadent and bizarre. You usually give in to your temptations, no matter how primal
Your greatest power: Your flawless ability to seduce and charm
Your greatest weakness: Human flesh
You play well with: Werewolves
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Labels: ChowderHead 101, Random things..
Musings at 3:00 am
A couple of nights ago I couldn't get back to sleep. I hate that. Sometimes I'm able to get right back to sleep. Other times I'm up for hours. And then I'm useless the next day...Here's what rattles though a Chowder's head at 3:00....- Ideas to fix problems at work. E-mails I need to send out. Call I need to make.
- Things to try on the new laptop to get it to print to the F'ing printer. I've wasted countless hours on such a basic task. Piece of sh!t. I can't belive it's being such a pain in the ass. I know it'll be something simple...
- Try to relax & get back to sleep.
- Things I want to get for the Miata. Shiny good!! Must pimp my ride....
- Holy Sh!t I'm going to be 43 soon.
- Turn on the satellite radio and surf for something to listen to. That'll do it!!
- Money. No I can't pimp my ride this year. I've spent so much on cars this year. My desire to pimp my ride must wait until next year. It's nice to have NOT need to have kind of stuff.
- How about breathing exercises? That'll help me relax & get to sleep.
- House projects: patio, front walkway, roof.
- Worry about where we're going to get the money for these projects.
- I've got 7 more vacation days to burn by the end of the year. Where to go. Where to go...
Labels: Birthday, Cars, ChowderHead 101, frustrations, house, jobs, Miata, Random things..
What's been going on?
Sorry I haven't posted recently. Here's what's been going on...Work: Hasn't let up. It's kept me running around like a chicken without a head. They have no idea what they want but they want it ASAP, yesterday if not sooner. And they don't tell me what they need and then get on conference calls and complain!?!? How can I help you when you don't let me know your needs? I've been trying to remember to do my breathing exercises to keep my stress at a manageable level. (It's helped a little) I've been walking HRH after work. That's helped too.Miata: Finally all fixed up. New clutch & glove box lock. I'm tops down again!! Oh I forgot to mention the new glove box latch was needed because someone tried to break into the Miata when we went up to Morraine State Park a while back. They stole a pair of $5 sunglasses from the center console and broke the lock on the glove box. You know whoever they are are really hard up when they need to steal $5 sunglasses. I hope they enjoy the cheap sunglasses as much as I did. I'm glad they didn't get into the glove box though since I had a 12 CD holder in there...HC: She's doing well. Busy with work and getting sporadic painting jobs here & there. HRH: Unsatisfied with the amount of food & toys his peeps give him. Always planning his next escape attempt in search of the land of food-&-toys-a-plenty.The Daddy-o: Doing well. He's been going on his daily walks. He's in good spirits. He had me took into a trip to Montreal for him last week. (I've stopped telling him it's cheaper if you plan your trip at least 14 days in advance.) It's his money and he can spend it however he chooses. I'm not used to him being this way. All my life he's been very frugal with money. So to have him pass up the opportunity to save some money for the same service/item is strange to me. But I guess it does add to the spontaneity AND besides he's not getting any younger so you never know...Me: Still frazzled & burned out. I need to get motivated to find my "What's next?" HC's been very supportive but I need to get motivated to read my "What Color is your Parachute" book and do the exercises. Most days I'm so tired at the end of the work day all I want to do is go home & hide. Thinking is T-H-E L-A-S-T thing I want to do. But I need to do it. I'll know when the time is right. I've noticed in my life things do happen for a reason. If I can see & learn the lesson I'm supposed to, I'll move on to the next phase/step in my life. Oh yeah. It was my birthday last Tuesday. HC took me to Whisper's Pub for dinner. The food, service, and atmospere were very nice. We'll be going back!Kids: We're back to going back & forth. Concerns about risks to HC's health. Concerns about having the time, energy, and money to raise a child. Concerns about how it will change our lives. We like our life together now. What's a child going to do to the mix?!?! Concerns about how good a parent I'd be. After all, I'm not the most patient person....Labels: Birthday, Cars, ChowderHead 101, Colored Parachutes, Family, frustrations, HC, HRH, jobs, Miata, Parents, Time to get on with my life, Update
Pulled Chowder
I feel stretched out. Pulled in too many directions. Over-extended. I don't feel like I'm able to meet all the demands/expectations of me. I know it's mostly self-imposed demands/expectations but it's still stressing me out.
I feel mentally and emotionally drained by all these demands. There are days I want a little "me" time. Just to sit & vege or to do what I want instead of what everybody else wants/needs. (Sometimes I hate being a responsible adult) I'm going to blame my parents for pounding responsibility and duty into my thick skull. :-) And now that it's lodged in there I can't get it out. Or even let go a little bit. (I know I need to let go of the peanuts regarding this. It's too damn much. But that's how I feel right now.) So I'm OCD about responsibility and duty. And it's my parents fault. I wonder if I can get a pill for that... Or maybe a grant to study this...
The MCG Jazz concerts help. They give me a few hours of peace and distraction. But even at the shows I catch myself thinking about outside things. I make myself stop and focus on the present and enjoy the show. But the outside thoughts sometime get in the way and it annoys me. So instead of fully being in the present and enjoying the show, I'm thinking and stressing about things.Labels: ChowderHead 101, Family, frustrations, Music, Parents, Rant, show
Chowderhead 101 - Restlessness
Restless, hyper, all over the place, fidgety. These have all been used to describe me. I get that way. I’m always curious. Always wondering “Why”, “Why not”, “How”, “What’s next”. I hate feeling like I’m stuck in a rut. I want to experience things. I always want new stimulus. New challenges. I want to be out in the world seeing/doing. I’m never satisfied. I feel stifled otherwise. And then I get cranky!!!
My restlessness is currently manifesting itself with my job.
All my life, I’ve been taught to focus on a good paying job with good benefits. But now I’ve become restless/dissatisfied and need/want more. I want a job I LOVE. OR at least a job I see value in other than paying the bills and keeping us alive. (I don’t need to save the world but a job that’s more meaningful/satisfying would be nice.) I’ve always known what I am currently doing isn’t what I want to do the rest of my working life. I like it mostly but I don’t LOVE it. It pays the bills and it pays well. Most days I’m happy to get up and go to work. But the past few years it’s been out of duty and responsibility as opposed to looking forward to being there doing my thing.
The disorganized, poorly thought out project I’m working on is really bringing these feelings to the surface. Most of the time I can ignore these thoughts and feelings. OR rationalize that a good paying job with benefits is more important. But my dissatisfaction has been building up for a bunch of years now and I think it's finally reached critical mass and can’t be ignored anymore.
We’re at a good point in our lives to think about these things. Financially, we’re secure enough for me to make a change. Life wise, we’re not particularly tied down to any lifestyle we need to maintain. No kids to support. No particular place we have to live. We feel secure enough in ourselves and each other that change will be OK.
We’re not wealthy so some kind of money making proposition is required. But now I need to figure out what I want to do next? So what’s next? What to do? What to do?
Step #1: Read What Color is your Parachute? And go through the exercises.Labels: ChowderHead 101, Colored Parachutes, frustrations, jobs
ChowderHead 101 Part 1 of as many as it takes
I'm a little slow. I have my own schedule. I march to the beat of a different drummer. I do things when my gut tells me "it's the right time".
Case in point: Dating, marriage & children. I didn't start dating until I was a junior in college. (Too busy working at the family restaurant in JH & HS, first couple of years in college were H-E-L-L) At that point I realized I was lacking in many of the basic social skills, I kinda shrunk back into my shell. I wanted to figure out "who" I was and "how" I fit in before I continued any further. I stuck to what I knew and was good at: hanging out with my buddies, drinking, and being the clown. I also realized I really wasn't fit to be anyone's companion due to these shortcomings. It wouldn't be fair to either of us.
These feelings of inadequacy were further reinforced with my first serious girlfriend. I was SO in over my head. My concepts of a relationship were so idealistic (thanks Hollywood) and immature. I went through the wringer & I didn't like it. I loved her the way I knew how. The best I could but it wasn't enough. It would never be enough. She needed more than I could ever give her. More than anyone could ever give her.
After this experience, I took a L-O-N-G break from getting serious with anyone. (I'll just leave it at years. There was a lot of anger, frustration, and bewilderment.) There were women that were interested in me but I didn't feel ready. So I side stepped them. We'd go out a few times but... Again, I'm on my own schedule. Not ready means NOT ready. It'll end badly for 1 or both of us. So let's not.
All the while I was soul searching. Working on me. (traveling, learning, experiencing life) The "who" I was, "what" I was, "what" I wanted, and "how" I fit in. It took a long time for me to begin accepting me for who I was and not caring how I fit in. I'm me and that's all there is to it. I fit in how I fit in. I stick out like I stick out. It is what it is. I was in my early-30's by the time I had this revelation. I felt better about myself. More comfortable in my own skin. The amount of booze and effort it took me to reach this little gem!!
But, it was on my schedule & terms. The majority of my college friends had been married for years. Some of them had kids already. There were times I felt like a slacker. An underachiever. But I also knew I was not ready and would have been a lousy husband & father. I would have ended up either divorced or in an unhappy marriage. I didn't want either so I continued working on me. When I felt ready I started dating again. It was hard and I sucked at it but what are you going to do? I was very fortunate to meet my wife and things have been good. We've gone through our share of highs and lows.Anyways, this all goes back to my original statement about me going to the beat of my own drummer. I do things on my terms AND when I feel ready. If I'm being pressured or forced, I'm very likely to be stubborn, dig my heels in and resist. I didn't feel ready to date anyone so I didn't. I didn't feel like I'd be a good husband so I didn't get married sooner. I've been on the fence about kids for a very long time. I know children are a life changing experience. I know they'd mean sacrifices. I'd been going back and forth about whether I wanted kids OR was even ready for them. But I'm in a place in my life where I'm comfortable with the idea of being a father and taking on that responsibility. HC would make a great mother. I've talked to many of my friends and they say "You're never really ready. You just do it because it feels right." Well, now it feels right. I don't want to bring someone into this world if I can't take care of them and be 100% about it.Labels: ChowderHead 101
