Chowder's Notepad

Parents...You can't live with them. You wouldn't be alive without them.

The story behind the yelling & screaming on my Dad’s part last week: (Sorry it took so long to post this but I was a bit too mad to write about this rationally)

The Daddy-O called out of the blue last Wednesday afternoon to see if I’d paid the Real Estate taxes yet. I was annoyed because he 1) called me at work 2) over something so trivial and 3) I didn’t have the answer for him.

I remember replying in a frustrated “I don’t know?!” He didn’t like my tone, started yelling, and hung up. Like a dumb ass, I called him back right away to try to talk to him. I should have let him cool down a bit before calling back. (I take after him. If I’m mad it’s better of you let me be mad for a bit before talking to me. I’m not ready to talk. I’m ready to scream. I’m ready to say mean, angry, nasty, irrational things.) Anyways, I called him back and he continued his rant and hung up on me again.

Background:
1) The Daddy-O has been a bit sad/depressed about my Mom’s passing. She’s been gone over 4 years and he’s really been good about her not being around. It was rough in the beginning but he had been good since then. The past few months he’s been a bit moody and irritable. He’d also bring her up a lot more and reminisce about all the hard work they did together to keep the restaurant going. He feels cheated because after they retired they only had a few years before she got really sick with various lung ailments. And then it was 6 years of suffering for my Mom AND 6 years of tending to my Mom for my Dad. I think he also feels guilty for having lived and being relatively healthy. We are looking at getting him counseling services.

2) I’d forgotten about my Dad’s anger. Growing up, he always had a quick temper. He’d yell and scream at us and make us really scared. But then after a little bit he’d get over it and be OK. I remember it was tough growing up because I was never sure what would set him off. Thankfully, the really explosive episodes didn’t happen often. (He never hit us. Just a lot of loud yelling and screaming.) I think I got my anger and way to react when I’m angry from him. Because when I’m angry I do the same kind of things: yell, scream, say all sorts of mean, nasty, irrational things.

You wouldn’t know it to see him & talk to him now. He’s a different person now. Much more mellow and easy going. That’s why it caught me so off guard his reaction to my “I don’t know”.

3) With my Mom's various illnesses any call from the parent's number could have been an emergency and always made me nervous & tense. I'm still this way even though she's been gone for almost 5 years. So when I saw it was my Dad I thought it was something important.

My neurosis:
Thinking back now, part of the reason I try to have all the answers and be prepared for a lot of things is because I always wanted to avoid his anger. If he asked me anything I always wanted to have the answer so I wouldn’t get yelled at. If he needed something I wanted to be ready so I wouldn’t get yelled at. I always wanted to have all of my chores/tasks done ahead of time to avoid his anger.

This episode is a perfect example: If I’d remembered when my taxes were due I could have told him I had not paid them yet because they were not due until the end of May. Instead I didn’t know and was frustrated at myself for not knowing AND frustrated at him for asking me out of the blue about them. And YES I’m sure I could have told him I didn’t know in a nicer tone but I was frustrated that he would call me at work over something like this. It’s 1 thing if we’d talked about it before so I knew this question was coming up but I had no idea there was going to be a pop quiz about my real estate taxes when I picked up the phone. And it’s not like he called me at home where I could have easily pulled out my checkbook and had a look and given him an answer ASAP.

Oh yeah that’s another thing about my Dad. If he wants you to do something. That means do it now. ASAP. Or you are going to hear about it!!!

I was also frustrated at him because I was busy at work and didn’t need to be interrupted about something so stupid. (It’s not like I’ve ever missed a tax payment or mortgage payment. I take all bills seriously. Especially house related bills.) How ironic my sister and I were not allowed to get calls at the restaurant while we were growing up because it was the “business” phone. And yet he feels it’s OK to call me on my business phone over something like real estate taxes…. Growing up I probably got less than 10 calls at the restaurant. Not like I had many friends anyways since I was always working or studying so I didn’t have time for friends or activities. It was a lot rougher on my sister who is much more social than I am. I don’t know how my sister made it through adolescence living with those restrictions. I guess there’s a reason she moved 5 hours away after college!!!!!

Labels: Family, frustrations, Parents, Rant

posted by ChowderHead @ 5/09/2007 03:15:00 PM