I could kick myself
Sometimes the adage "if it ain't broke don't fix it" is true. Sometimes it is better to leave things just the way they are. It's not being lazy or a cop out. Case in point: The house. I thought I was being proactive by having the roof and furnace replaced. After all, they we both at the upper limits of their life cycles. And with the baby coming I didn't want to have these kind of troubles with a baby in the house. After I had both replaced in the summer/fall, I was happy that 2 items had been removed from my worry/task list. This comfort was short lived. My wife discovered a mold problem in the attic. We didn't have a mold problem in the attic before the new roof or furnace. We must have created a haven for mold when we had the new tighter roof put on AND a whole house humidifier installed with the furnace. UGH!!! I am so mad at myself!!! I feel so stupid for making a mess out of things. Neither the roof nor the furnace were broken. I just figured lets replace them before something went wrong. Well, I guess I went looking for trouble and it found me!!! So then the mad scramble to figure out what to do to fix this problem. Is it dangerous? How do you clean this up? How much will it cost? How soon do I need to do something? Can we do it ourselves? Do we need to replace the whole roof? Well, a few thousand dollars later (That I didn't plan on spending! This adds to my feelings of stupidity and anger.) the mold remediation people have started their work. Theoretically, after they are done the mold will be dead and not returning. They have also installed a device that keeps the air circulating in the attic to prevent future mold growth. They've cleaned & tested the attic twice now. They needed to clean twice because the post test after the first cleaning came back positive for mold growth. They re-tested last week. I suspect they'll be back since they left debris in the attic that was supposed to be removed. UGH!!!I'm starting to learn my lesson: Sometimes it's OK to leave things just the way they are. Not everything needs to be perfect. I don't need to obsess or worry about certain things. Me obsessing/worrying about them is not going to change them. Sometimes it's OK to leave well enough alone. "Put my hands up and step slowly away from the controls" Labels: ChowderHead 101, frustrations, house, My OCD's, Update
Wish me luck
I have an interview tomorrow....I've been in need of a change for a few years. I've been feeling a bit burned out and bored. But I wasn't sure "what" I wanted to do so I figured staying put was the safest move. My old boss got a new job (same company) doing something that may be cool. She has some job openings so I'm going to try out for 1 of the openings. I'm not sure what the job entails but I'll find out tomorrow...Labels: Colored Parachutes, frustrations, jobs
Update
Busy, busy, busy. Does it ever slow down?
With the nice weather, we’ve been slowly but surely getting the garden ready for fall/winter. Cutting down/pulling up the flowers that are done or past their prime. (I’d rather do this chore with pleasant weather versus cold & wet.) We’ve also squeezed in a few top down car rides where we can. The leaf colors are awesome right now. And since it's been raining, I’m glad we got the rides & chores in when we did.
My Dad’s health took a down turn. He’s usually in pretty good health (arthritis, high blood pressure, and high cholesterol. But that’s it.) He likes to go for his daily walks and does his best to stay in good health. Well a few weeks ago he complained about feeling sore and weak all over. I thought it was the flu and told him I’d check on him in a few days to see if it had passed. His symptoms didn’t get any better or worse so I thought it would be wise to take him to the Doctor. They poked & prodded and drew some blood samples. My Dad has Polymyalgia Rheumatica. The good news is: It’s not life threatening and is treated with low doses of Prednisone. The bad news is: He’s going to need to take Prednisone for at least a year. And his pain/soreness is only about 40% gone. So my Dad’s feeling sore, weak, and tired.
Work has been hectic. The project I’m on is full of surprises. Twists & turns. This goes back to my big complaint about being better informed of their needs. If they’d invite me to more of the meetings/calls I could ask the questions that need to be asked and help to minimize the surprises.
HC is doing well. Her part time gig gets her out of the house so she interacts with people. She likes her co-workers so it’s not a big drama for her to go to work. She’s also working on a few sketches for some potential clients.
HRH is busy keeping our house free of: cats, squirrels, chipmunks, birds, and ground hogs. I don’t know how he does it. It’s a full time job.
I went to the MCG for a concert last week. A lot of fun as usual. It was nice to stop and enjoy a concert.
The weekend was busy as usual. Saturday we went to yoga, bought groceries & pumpkins in the Strip, took HRH to Hartwood Acres to get his run on, and met up with C & D for dinner.
Dinner at Eleven was great. (We were there a while back for our anniversary dinner.) The food, service, and atmosphere were wonderful like last time. Eleven paced the meal very nicely. We never felt rushed or hurried. It was nice to get caught up with C & D. We hadn’t seen them in 4 or 5 months so there was a lot of news & happenings. And even though it had been a while, as soon as we sat down it felt like no time had passed since the last time we were together.
Sunday I did more chores, washed 2 of the cars, and watched most of the Steeler game. I had to turn it off after 3 quarters. They were just not playing up to their usual level AND it was getting late so I headed to bed. I’ve learned when they’re playing badly I need to turn it off and go do something else or I’ll get aggravated. And then when it’s bedtime I won’t be able to fall asleep quickly because I’m aggravated. It’s better for me to do something else than watch the game and get progressively pissed off.Labels: Family, frustrations, jobs, Update
Musings at 3:00 am
A couple of nights ago I couldn't get back to sleep. I hate that. Sometimes I'm able to get right back to sleep. Other times I'm up for hours. And then I'm useless the next day...Here's what rattles though a Chowder's head at 3:00....- Ideas to fix problems at work. E-mails I need to send out. Call I need to make.
- Things to try on the new laptop to get it to print to the F'ing printer. I've wasted countless hours on such a basic task. Piece of sh!t. I can't belive it's being such a pain in the ass. I know it'll be something simple...
- Try to relax & get back to sleep.
- Things I want to get for the Miata. Shiny good!! Must pimp my ride....
- Holy Sh!t I'm going to be 43 soon.
- Turn on the satellite radio and surf for something to listen to. That'll do it!!
- Money. No I can't pimp my ride this year. I've spent so much on cars this year. My desire to pimp my ride must wait until next year. It's nice to have NOT need to have kind of stuff.
- How about breathing exercises? That'll help me relax & get to sleep.
- House projects: patio, front walkway, roof.
- Worry about where we're going to get the money for these projects.
- I've got 7 more vacation days to burn by the end of the year. Where to go. Where to go...
Labels: Birthday, Cars, ChowderHead 101, frustrations, house, jobs, Miata, Random things..
Do I have to....
Go back to work tomorrow? After such a great weekend, I'm working up the strength to go back to work tomorrow. I need to remind myself "I work for the money. So I can have nice things, go to nice places, etc..." It's not about the job anymore. I used to really love the job but now it's just something to pay the bills. My life, family, and friends are more important. I need to remember this, take a step or 2 back, and NOT care so much about the politics & BS. Let them say what they will. I just need to show up & do my job.Labels: frustrations, jobs, Time to get on with my life
What's been going on?
Sorry I haven't posted recently. Here's what's been going on...Work: Hasn't let up. It's kept me running around like a chicken without a head. They have no idea what they want but they want it ASAP, yesterday if not sooner. And they don't tell me what they need and then get on conference calls and complain!?!? How can I help you when you don't let me know your needs? I've been trying to remember to do my breathing exercises to keep my stress at a manageable level. (It's helped a little) I've been walking HRH after work. That's helped too.Miata: Finally all fixed up. New clutch & glove box lock. I'm tops down again!! Oh I forgot to mention the new glove box latch was needed because someone tried to break into the Miata when we went up to Morraine State Park a while back. They stole a pair of $5 sunglasses from the center console and broke the lock on the glove box. You know whoever they are are really hard up when they need to steal $5 sunglasses. I hope they enjoy the cheap sunglasses as much as I did. I'm glad they didn't get into the glove box though since I had a 12 CD holder in there...HC: She's doing well. Busy with work and getting sporadic painting jobs here & there. HRH: Unsatisfied with the amount of food & toys his peeps give him. Always planning his next escape attempt in search of the land of food-&-toys-a-plenty.The Daddy-o: Doing well. He's been going on his daily walks. He's in good spirits. He had me took into a trip to Montreal for him last week. (I've stopped telling him it's cheaper if you plan your trip at least 14 days in advance.) It's his money and he can spend it however he chooses. I'm not used to him being this way. All my life he's been very frugal with money. So to have him pass up the opportunity to save some money for the same service/item is strange to me. But I guess it does add to the spontaneity AND besides he's not getting any younger so you never know...Me: Still frazzled & burned out. I need to get motivated to find my "What's next?" HC's been very supportive but I need to get motivated to read my "What Color is your Parachute" book and do the exercises. Most days I'm so tired at the end of the work day all I want to do is go home & hide. Thinking is T-H-E L-A-S-T thing I want to do. But I need to do it. I'll know when the time is right. I've noticed in my life things do happen for a reason. If I can see & learn the lesson I'm supposed to, I'll move on to the next phase/step in my life. Oh yeah. It was my birthday last Tuesday. HC took me to Whisper's Pub for dinner. The food, service, and atmospere were very nice. We'll be going back!Kids: We're back to going back & forth. Concerns about risks to HC's health. Concerns about having the time, energy, and money to raise a child. Concerns about how it will change our lives. We like our life together now. What's a child going to do to the mix?!?! Concerns about how good a parent I'd be. After all, I'm not the most patient person....Labels: Birthday, Cars, ChowderHead 101, Colored Parachutes, Family, frustrations, HC, HRH, jobs, Miata, Parents, Time to get on with my life, Update
Miata Update
Last week I said the Miata refused to go in or out of gear. And I needed to push it to the side of the road into a parking spot.- Lovely parking ticket since I was parked on the side of the road that gets cleaned that day: $15
- Cost to have the clutch replaced: $1000.
- The amount of stress and aggravation added to my life: Priceless!
Labels: Cars, frustrations, Miata
Chainsaw Therapy
We lost power due to the storms last Thursday night. It took us almost 3 hours to get home after work. We had to take the alternate, alternate, alternate, alternate way home. All the usual ways home were blocked by fallen trees and/or power lines. Fortunately for us, other than no electricity, we didn’t suffer any storm damage
Friday night we decided to go out for dinner instead of trying to grill something at home so we weren’t home when the lights came back on. (We think the electricity was restored around 6:30.) Friday night we went through the fridge & freezer throwing out things we felt were spoiled.
Saturday we went to the Strip District to replenish our supplies. We also decided we should trim/cut trees that were too close to the house to prevent possible storm damage. So HC and I were out with ladders, loppers, hedge trimmer, and chainsaw doing our best lumberjack imitations. We were a sight!! A few times I’m sure I came close to being a Darwin Award candidate/winner. The phrase “It’s falling the wrong way” did get used. Luckily no one was hurt. Chowderheads with chainsaw can be a danger to themselves & others! Anyways, we spent the majority of the day cutting stuff down. And making the big pieces into smaller pieces. I must admit it felt good to get my aggression out with the chainsaw. I’d been stressed and angry about work. And a few hours with the chainsaw was just what the doctor ordered. I felt much better at the end of the day. AND we made a giant pile-o-wood for the chimnea!! We’ve still got a bit of trimming, cutting & splitting that needs to happen but the big work has been done.
Sunday I worked on our new laptop & wireless network. The PC we've been using is 7 years old and has been in desperate need of replacement. It’s been a matter of saving enough money for the laptop and wireless router… So I spent a portion of the day with tech support getting all the pieces parts talking & working with 1 another.
J came over because he has wanted a laptop for a while. (He’s been using his work laptop for Internet access & etc but with the current privacy scare AND it being company equipment he felt better about getting his own laptop.) So we went out and I got to spend someone else’s money for a change!! We brought his laptop back to the house and I configured it for him over drinks & nibbly things.
And the next thing I knew it was 11:00 Sunday night!!!Labels: Darwin award candidate, frustrations, Weekend Update
Random item
I bought a relaxation CD the other day. The outside of the CD says It's scientifically designed to soothe and help improve relaxation through the
development of an Alpha brainwave state.
On the bus ride home I was NOT able to get the CD out of the packaging. Go figure?!?!? Who knew!?!?!?Labels: frustrations, Random things..
Since I’m on a rant…
I know another part of my funk is:
I’m tired:
- Of busting my ass at work.
- Of co-workers not doing their jobs.
- Of being continually under the stress of being outsourced/laid off/right sized.
- Of always being conscious of my financial situation.
- Of having to work more than play/rest.
Between work and school, I've been at it for over 30 years and damn I'm tired. I’ve been working since I was 10 or 11 and I’m tired. There’s got to be more but I just don’t know what it is. I’m going to take more breaks during the day to try and keep from burning out further.
Now for the ridiculous….
I’m tired:
- Of people on cell phones. Do you think you’re alone? We can hear you & your inane conversation.
- Of stupid drivers. Do you mind paying attention to what you’re doing with thousands of pounds of moving metal?!? Maybe there’s more than just you on the road!
- Of stupid drivers on cell phones. Again, do you mind paying attention to what you’re doing with thousands of pounds of moving metal?!? Maybe there’s more than just you on the road!
- Of stupid people.
- Of self-important people. The world in general DOES NOT care who you are OR how important you think you are.
- Of lazy people.
- Of people with more money than brains.
- Of people that have no business having children and yet they do!!! There are tests, licenses, and taxes for everything else. Why not having children?
- Of people.
As for the ridiculous list. Well, it’s ridiculous. I was on a roll so I thought I’d throw some of my pet peeves in there.
I’m a bit disillusioned with life at the moment. I’m not sure what I was thinking being a grown up was going to be like. But I guess I thought there would be “more”. I don’t mean I thought I’d be ruling the world or have a gazillion dollars. But I thought there’d be more to life than getting up, going to work, taking care of people, and doing chores at home.
I need to find and do fun things.
I know everything happens for a reason. And everything that’s happened has made me who I am. But damn it I’m tired of it all. There are days I’m tempted to get in the car after work and just drive. And not stop until I hit water (Pacific, Atlantic, Arctic, Ant-arctic)
Labels: frustrations, inconsiderate people, jobs, Random things.., Rant
Step up!
My crank, angry, and stress factors have been going up as of late. It’s taking a lot less to set me off. It’s taken me some time to figure out what’s up.
Part of it is: I’m mentally & emotionally exhausted. For the past 10 years, we’ve been attending to sick parents. All 4 of them have taken their turns and had their episodes. (Other than my Dad, all of it long term conditions.)
This last episode with my Dad really got me upset and thinking.
I’m fed up:
- Of always being the ones (HC & I) who “step up” and take responsibility for things.
- Of siblings not helping out with parents & their issues.
- Of siblings picking and choosing what they want to do, what they don’t want to do, and when they want to do it.
- Of always having to be the “Better person” and step up, or having to place my needs on the back burner.
How come it’s always us? How come we don’t get to pick & choose? How come it’s always us taking care of things? How come we always have to be the “Better person”? Where’s my “get out of responsibility” card?
If everyone stepped up and/or cooperated it’d make it easier for all concerned. I know I’m not perfect. I know I have flaws but come on people step up!! Just a little?
I know I can’t do much about getting others to step up to responsibilities. All I can do is adjust my attitude about it. Maybe try not to get so worked up about it. Maybe try to avoid them so I don’t open my mouth and say something I’ll regret later. It is what it is. They are who they are.
Labels: Family, frustrations, inconsiderate people, jobs, Parents, Rant, things I don't understand, Update
Sister
Maybe we spent too much time together growing up & working together. Maybe it has to do with 2 strong personalities with strong opinions. Maybe this is how brother’s & sister’s get along. Maybe we’re more alike than I’d like to think. Whatever it is, my stress level is always elevated when my Sister is around. I’m trying to be better about “letting go” and not being pissed at her actions but it’s tough. I’ve tried not to be so vocally critical of her the past few years. But sometimes she does things that just confound and piss me off.
#1: Why? Come up to “Take care” of the Dad. And then make all sorts of evening plans to go out to dinner with your friends. HC says it’s fair and OK since she’s around in the morning and afternoon. I think if she wants to see these people she should come up another time. Her reason for coming up this time was to take care of her Father who was going to be recuperating from surgery.
#2: Why? Say you’re a morning person but don’t end up getting out of bed until after I’ve made Dad breakfast and/or I am heading out the door to go to work? I’m not a morning person. Never have been. Never will be. Would never say I was. 1 morning I heated up breakfast for my Dad. The next morning my Dad heated up his own breakfast. It’s not the cooking that irked me since my Dad is more than capable of cooking for himself. It’s the I-came-up-to-take-care-of-you-but-I’m-still-sawing-logs-like-crazy-when-you-need-me that bothered me. Again, HC said my Dad is not a subtle man. If he needs something he’ll let you know. If he wanted her to make him breakfast he would have let her know. Very true but still it bugs me. Interesting fact is: she got up early (6:00 am) to get her ass back to DC?!? Funny how that happened…
I think it has to do with our differing thoughts and feelings about duty & responsibility. She’s always been the 1 to do just enough to get by. She can/could do so much more but has always chosen to do just enough to get by. For example, she could have gotten A’s in school but B’s took less effort. She’s smart and talented and could do anything she set her mind to. But she chooses not to.
I was required to do the best I could. Sometimes better than I thought I could. B’s were not an option. “I’m the son. It’s my responsibility to _________. It’s my job to ________”. Failure is not an option. Doing poorly is not an option. I must be better than everyone else. No time to relax there is always a task that needs to be worked on.
Maybe I’ve got it wrong and my sister has it right. I’m driving myself to excess stress and an early grave. Maybe I need to slow down and just get by once in a while. Maybe I need to not be pushing so hard. So critical of myself and others.
I’ll need to think on this. This may be another revelation… I’m on a roll!!!Labels: Family, frustrations, Parents, Rant, Update
So what's been going on?
What's been going on? Why haven't you been posting as often as you usually do?Well, Now that things are slowing down I have time to let you all know what’s been going on the past few weeks.
Work: As busy as ever. Always something going on. I need to slow down a little bit. I’m always trying to do too many things at once. I get them all done but I’m frazzled for it.
I made a realization the other day: “Other than lunch and bathroom, I don’t take any breaks throughout the day.”
I’m either at my desk with e-mails & calls or at meetings. Some people take smoke breaks. Others take coffee breaks. I need to slow down and take a few breaks throughout the day myself. I think it’ll help my stress level and mental state.
LIFE: Within a few days of us coming back from Costa Rica, the Dad went in for out patient surgery. The surgery was a success and he’s doing OK and recovering now.
Last July he went in for a Transurethral Resection of the Prostate. We refer to it affectionately as “The Roto-Rooter”. The resection was a success BUT a side effect was 1 of his testicles swelled to the size of a DUCK EGG. I don’t know if you know “how” large a duck egg is….BUT it’s bigger than a chicken egg AND certainly bigger than a human testicle should be. Anyways, his Urologist said this is common and “give it a few months for the swelling to go down”. Well the swelling didn’t go down so the Dad had to go in for a Left Hydrocelectomy. And since the urologist was there, he threw in a Cystoscopy and Uretheral Dialation. The Dad’s plumbing is as good as new and he should be peeing like a champ now. My Suster was thinking of nicknaming my Dad "Left Nut"....
So yes, within a few days of coming back from a very relaxing, lovely vacation we had my Dad recovering with us for a week. My Sister came up from DC to help out. So it was a full house. And full of activity.
All of this commotion took the wonderful relaxing vacation feeling and flushed it right down the toilet. It left me
wondering if it wasn’t a big waste of money. I felt great while I was there but that relaxed, calm feeling didn’t make it a week once I got home!Labels: Family, frustrations, Health, Parents, Update
Parents...You can't live with them. You wouldn't be alive without them.
The story behind the yelling & screaming on my Dad’s part last week: (Sorry it took so long to post this but I was a bit too mad to write about this rationally)
The Daddy-O called out of the blue last Wednesday afternoon to see if I’d paid the Real Estate taxes yet. I was annoyed because he 1) called me at work 2) over something so trivial and 3) I didn’t have the answer for him.
I remember replying in a frustrated “I don’t know?!” He didn’t like my tone, started yelling, and hung up. Like a dumb ass, I called him back right away to try to talk to him. I should have let him cool down a bit before calling back. (I take after him. If I’m mad it’s better of you let me be mad for a bit before talking to me. I’m not ready to talk. I’m ready to scream. I’m ready to say mean, angry, nasty, irrational things.) Anyways, I called him back and he continued his rant and hung up on me again.
Background:
1) The Daddy-O has been a bit sad/depressed about my Mom’s passing. She’s been gone over 4 years and he’s really been good about her not being around. It was rough in the beginning but he had been good since then. The past few months he’s been a bit moody and irritable. He’d also bring her up a lot more and reminisce about all the hard work they did together to keep the restaurant going. He feels cheated because after they retired they only had a few years before she got really sick with various lung ailments. And then it was 6 years of suffering for my Mom AND 6 years of tending to my Mom for my Dad. I think he also feels guilty for having lived and being relatively healthy. We are looking at getting him counseling services.
2) I’d forgotten about my Dad’s anger. Growing up, he always had a quick temper. He’d yell and scream at us and make us really scared. But then after a little bit he’d get over it and be OK. I remember it was tough growing up because I was never sure what would set him off. Thankfully, the really explosive episodes didn’t happen often. (He never hit us. Just a lot of loud yelling and screaming.) I think I got my anger and way to react when I’m angry from him. Because when I’m angry I do the same kind of things: yell, scream, say all sorts of mean, nasty, irrational things.
You wouldn’t know it to see him & talk to him now. He’s a different person now. Much more mellow and easy going. That’s why it caught me so off guard his reaction to my “I don’t know”.
3) With my Mom's various illnesses any call from the parent's number could have been an emergency and always made me nervous & tense. I'm still this way even though she's been gone for almost 5 years. So when I saw it was my Dad I thought it was something important.
My neurosis:
Thinking back now, part of the reason I try to have all the answers and be prepared for a lot of things is because I always wanted to avoid his anger. If he asked me anything I always wanted to have the answer so I wouldn’t get yelled at. If he needed something I wanted to be ready so I wouldn’t get yelled at. I always wanted to have all of my chores/tasks done ahead of time to avoid his anger.
This episode is a perfect example: If I’d remembered when my taxes were due I could have told him I had not paid them yet because they were not due until the end of May. Instead I didn’t know and was frustrated at myself for not knowing AND frustrated at him for asking me out of the blue about them. And YES I’m sure I could have told him I didn’t know in a nicer tone but I was frustrated that he would call me at work over something like this. It’s 1 thing if we’d talked about it before so I knew this question was coming up but I had no idea there was going to be a pop quiz about my real estate taxes when I picked up the phone. And it’s not like he called me at home where I could have easily pulled out my checkbook and had a look and given him an answer ASAP.
Oh yeah that’s another thing about my Dad. If he wants you to do something. That means do it now. ASAP. Or you are going to hear about it!!!
I was also frustrated at him because I was busy at work and didn’t need to be interrupted about something so stupid. (It’s not like I’ve ever missed a tax payment or mortgage payment. I take all bills seriously. Especially house related bills.) How ironic my sister and I were not allowed to get calls at the restaurant while we were growing up because it was the “business” phone. And yet he feels it’s OK to call me on my business phone over something like real estate taxes…. Growing up I probably got less than 10 calls at the restaurant. Not like I had many friends anyways since I was always working or studying so I didn’t have time for friends or activities. It was a lot rougher on my sister who is much more social than I am. I don’t know how my sister made it through adolescence living with those restrictions. I guess there’s a reason she moved 5 hours away after college!!!!!
Labels: Family, frustrations, Parents, Rant
Pulled Chowder
I feel stretched out. Pulled in too many directions. Over-extended. I don't feel like I'm able to meet all the demands/expectations of me. I know it's mostly self-imposed demands/expectations but it's still stressing me out.
I feel mentally and emotionally drained by all these demands. There are days I want a little "me" time. Just to sit & vege or to do what I want instead of what everybody else wants/needs. (Sometimes I hate being a responsible adult) I'm going to blame my parents for pounding responsibility and duty into my thick skull. :-) And now that it's lodged in there I can't get it out. Or even let go a little bit. (I know I need to let go of the peanuts regarding this. It's too damn much. But that's how I feel right now.) So I'm OCD about responsibility and duty. And it's my parents fault. I wonder if I can get a pill for that... Or maybe a grant to study this...
The MCG Jazz concerts help. They give me a few hours of peace and distraction. But even at the shows I catch myself thinking about outside things. I make myself stop and focus on the present and enjoy the show. But the outside thoughts sometime get in the way and it annoys me. So instead of fully being in the present and enjoying the show, I'm thinking and stressing about things.Labels: ChowderHead 101, Family, frustrations, Music, Parents, Rant, show
Not enough hours in the day
There are not enough hours in the day for everything I need/want to get done. It's very frustrating. It's one of the reasons I'm seeing the EAP rep at work.
It's making me crazy trying to be the best worker, best husband, best son, best homeowner, best ??? all rolled into 1 AND within the 24 hours in a day we all have to work with. I try to do my best but always seem to be falling short somewhere. And then I get mad at myself for it and beat myself up...
Case in point this week:
- Work was pretty busy. I didn't have much scheduled at the beginning of the week. But as the days went on I was busy every day until quittin' time.
- After work I've been working on cleaning and sorting through my stuff.
- Tuesday night: I went to the Manchester Craftsmen's Guild for Bob James and the Angel's of Shanghai. It was a very entertaining concert. It was interesting how the group was able to combine the Jazz of Bob James and the traditional Chinese instruments. Very cool.
- Wednesday: I managed to get my Dad to yell at me over the phone and hang up on me. This will be another post. But suffice it to say I felt like a bad son.
- I took today & tomorrow off. I needed to get some things done around the house (cleaning, sorting through my stuff, gardening) & run some errands.
- Tonight: I went to A Night of Guitars presented by Earl Klugh at the MCG. Another really good show. The 3 guitarists played wonderfully. And you could tell they were having a blast on stage.
So yes this demanding life is really stressing me out because I don't feel like I'm able to meet all the demands/expectations of me. I know it's mostly self-imposed demands/expectations but it's still stressing me out. I feel pulled in so many directions. And stretched too thin everywhere. I wish I had more time to do everything I need to do.
Labels: Family, frustrations, Music, Parents, show
HC has her concerns
I'm really liking the idea of taking some driving courses and doing the Autocross thing. I don't have to take courses to participate. But I think the courses will explain to me some of the strategies and techniques.
HC's concern? She's not as worried about me getting hurt as much as me being even more vocal/angry/aggressive when we're on the road and stupid drivers do stupid things.
I'm going to have to think about what she said before I move ahead with Autocross:
- The driving courses will teach me skills that mostly won't apply to driving on the street.
- Buuuttt I can see them elevating my confidence and as a result making me more annoyed when stupid people do stupid/inconsiderate things behind the wheel.
Why do/would I get annoyed? This harkens back to 1 of my major pet peeves: Stupid/inconsiderate/self-centered people. My annoyance with Stupid/inconsiderate/self-centered people is magnified while driving because they are moving around several thousand pounds of metal AND being Stupid/inconsiderate/self-centered at the same time. It adds to the danger factor. Not only can they harm themselves, but now they have the opportunity to hurt someone else. Not good. not good at all.
I know I should let it go because I have no control over them and their ways but it just really gets under my skin when these people do as they please with no regard for others.
Labels: Autocross, clueless, frustrations, Random things.., riddle me this, stupid people, stupidity
The velvet cage
A friend of mine used this analogy to describe the trap you get in with Corporate America.
They make it comfortable for you to stay even though you may be unhappy. All the benefits and amenities a big company can afford to give to its employees. Your job/career at the company is a cage. A velvet lined cage but a cage none the less. And the longer you stay the harder it is to leave because you are that much closer to retirement or getting that extra week of vacation or vested in your pension plan, etc…
The benefits and amenities are a factor that make it tough to leave a job once you’ve been there a while. It’s definitely something I have to consider before I make any move. Labels: Colored Parachutes, frustrations, jobs, Time to get on with my life
Hello - long time no post...
I'm still here. Sorry I haven't posted much. Some days I get home and I feel so drained it's all I can do to eat and/or make dinner. Then I'm done for the night. Work is heading in a better direction. It has a way to go but at least things are looking up.Life is heading in a better direction. I've been cranky, impatient, and bitchy towards people as of late. Fortunately for you, you haven't been around to experience it first hand. My wife has caught the brunt of it. I'm trying to be better about it but sometimes I just want to be left alone. Some me time. No conversation. No chores. No activities. Let my brain resolidify.
I've started to read the What Color is your Parachute book. It's made me think about my situation. About the good, the bad, and the ugly. The big thing is the reminders of the good aspects of my job. I've been so focused on the bad & ugly as of late I forgot about the good.
There is plenty good about my job AND the really fortunate position I'm in.
- Good paying job with benefits.
- I'm well regarded by my peers, managers, and customers.
- I usually get a fair amount of latitude regarding how I plan and execute projects.
- My manager is really good about allowing my to take time off as I need it (vacation, medical issues, etc...)
So yes. There are some pluses to my current job & position. It's not all a suckfest. I need to keep this in mind as I think about what I want to do next with my life.Labels: Colored Parachutes, frustrations, jobs
Chowderhead 101 - Restlessness
Restless, hyper, all over the place, fidgety. These have all been used to describe me. I get that way. I’m always curious. Always wondering “Why”, “Why not”, “How”, “What’s next”. I hate feeling like I’m stuck in a rut. I want to experience things. I always want new stimulus. New challenges. I want to be out in the world seeing/doing. I’m never satisfied. I feel stifled otherwise. And then I get cranky!!!
My restlessness is currently manifesting itself with my job.
All my life, I’ve been taught to focus on a good paying job with good benefits. But now I’ve become restless/dissatisfied and need/want more. I want a job I LOVE. OR at least a job I see value in other than paying the bills and keeping us alive. (I don’t need to save the world but a job that’s more meaningful/satisfying would be nice.) I’ve always known what I am currently doing isn’t what I want to do the rest of my working life. I like it mostly but I don’t LOVE it. It pays the bills and it pays well. Most days I’m happy to get up and go to work. But the past few years it’s been out of duty and responsibility as opposed to looking forward to being there doing my thing.
The disorganized, poorly thought out project I’m working on is really bringing these feelings to the surface. Most of the time I can ignore these thoughts and feelings. OR rationalize that a good paying job with benefits is more important. But my dissatisfaction has been building up for a bunch of years now and I think it's finally reached critical mass and can’t be ignored anymore.
We’re at a good point in our lives to think about these things. Financially, we’re secure enough for me to make a change. Life wise, we’re not particularly tied down to any lifestyle we need to maintain. No kids to support. No particular place we have to live. We feel secure enough in ourselves and each other that change will be OK.
We’re not wealthy so some kind of money making proposition is required. But now I need to figure out what I want to do next? So what’s next? What to do? What to do?
Step #1: Read What Color is your Parachute? And go through the exercises.Labels: ChowderHead 101, Colored Parachutes, frustrations, jobs
